So, my relationship lasted one year exactly. Perhaps not down to the minute but most assuredly to the day. It was a year of ups and downs and within the first half hour of the anniversary...the relationship was over. I should be at work right now and it's not like this is a grand surprise, she was considerate enough to have discussed this with me before. I thought with enough effort that I could change her mind (and heart) but I was wrong.

I should be at work right now. My computer says it's 12pm but it's really 3pm. I didn't sleep much, couldn't stop thinking how things could have been different. How I could have been different, so on and so forth. I'm sure it's the universal thought-pattern when a relationship ends.

I thought that writing things out would make it easier, I thought that discussing this with her before would make the inevitable bearable. I actually used my job as a means of escaping this outcome, throwing myself into my job the plus side is, with the additional workloads that I took my company is literally months ahead of the schedule that we had. I worked myself to exhaustion so as to avoid thinking of this day but here it is and I can't shake the feeling of mourning.

There was a huge (now it seems it was insurmountable) emotional wall between us. I would express my love and she would deflect or defend against it. I always thought that if I loved her enough, I'd finally open a crack in her wall. From that crack I could tear down the wall and (cheesy as it sounds) love would reign and we could plan for the future.

Now, I'm sitting in front of a computer wondering how I got here and upset more with myself than I am with her but truly upset at those that have ravaged her emotions and left her in the state that she is in.

The following excerpt is from the Tool song "Cold & Ugly" from the Opiate Album:

"Hidden in her words and eyes
is a wall that's cold and ugly
and she's scared as hell.
Trembling at the thought of feeling.
Wide awake and keeping distance.
Nothing seems to penetrate her.
Keeping distance from my soul.
I am scared like you."

That is perhaps the best way to describe it. She always seemed so afraid that she COULD love me and that the moment she that she let her guard down and the moment she reciprocated my love...I would change and betray her in some vital way. I was never able to convince her otherwise and now I can only hope that either something changes and somehow I did leave a crack in her emotion wall or put all my efforts into work, abstain from the "fairer" sex and become a huge success so that with the money I make I can become Batman.

Post Script: Right now, I'm leaning more towards the Batman thing, if only so I can hunt down that hack Grant Morrison and open some Bat-Fu on his face!